


100 SUNS

by BandWurks, orphan_account



Category: Shinedown (Band)
Genre: Depression, Drug Addiction, M/M, Multi, Past Drug Use, Self Harm, Suicidal Ideation, lots of triggery stuff, risky sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-11-21
Packaged: 2018-08-30 06:41:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8522533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BandWurks/pseuds/BandWurks, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The daily struggles in existence of Shinedown. Done for NaNoWriMo 2016.





	1. Chapter 1

Today was the first day off they had had in a while. It was needed, for all four of them. Tensions were high from changing places every day while still being in close proximity, as well as things like fights over the set list and arrangements for songs. Plus, there was always the natural struggle that living in proximity brought with anybody, despite how much love the band had for one another. A day off meant they had some breathing space to do what they wanted with or without each other while they were in yet another new place. It meant they had their choices and their desires and the means to separate for a quick moment from the tension of work and living together. Most days off, they didn’t split up, but today, that was not the case.

Today, every single one of them was alone. Zach was off at a basketball game because he had found nothing better to do and wanted something that he didn’t have to put too much effort into, considering his team wasn’t playing. Basketball was just enjoyable. Barry had gone on a pub crawl, wanting to see what the local bars had to offer and try a new brew or two. Beer was his thing and he wanted to take a load off and relax with something he enjoyed that tasted good, so the pub crawl that he had found on google seemed fun. Eric had decided to go to a local museum that had a good exhibit on the extraterrestrial. His obsession would be satisfied, and his interests were piqued because it was new and was being lauded and so he wanted to see if he could find any more information for his own personal truths. As for Brent, well… Brent had found his way to a club in a not so nice part of the city they were in, a part of the city that frequently saw violence and drug busts.

It wasn’t so much that he was looking for trouble than he was for release, and he wasn’t sure what his release would be, but he needed something. He had cash, a condom, and a pocketknife on him and whatever his release would be, he knew that, while he needed it, it would be far from healthy. He was self-destructive, and his need for release was overwhelming. He had made his way to the bar when someone approached him with a sinister grin on their face.

“Hey, you’re that guy from Shinedown, right? Brett?”

Brent scoffed. “No, I’m not. And it’s Brent, you idiot. There’s an N in there.” Typically, Brent would be so much kinder to a potential fan, but something told him this wasn’t a fan he was dealing with. Plus, his mood was low, and he wasn’t really up to dealing with anyone that didn’t know who he was on more than a superficial level. He did enough of that on the days he was playing, and didn’t feel like he should have to on his day off.

“Sorry, Brent,” the man who had approached him said as Brent called for a shot of fireball. “My apologies. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know who I am. The name is Leo. I’m a pretty big name here in this part of town. Just wanted to, ahem, offer my services.” The man with the sinister smile, Leo, pulled a business card out of his pocket. Brent took it from Leo, reading over it and his eyes widened with what he saw. Perhaps this man did know more about Brent than Brent cared to think about. Maybe he just shouldn’t have interacted with the man at all.

Brent looked up from the card at Leo, swallowing. While Brent wanted his release, he knew that getting it through drugs would be a setback for all the progress he had made previously, and honestly, he wasn’t sure he was ready to commit to ruining that, despite his desire to be self-destructive and feel like things would be different. He had to fight to speak, to say these words, the temptation strong, but his will to fight it much more powerful.

“Sorry, Leo, no. I’m not relapsing and breaking my sobriety. I don’t need anything you offer. Not the coke, not the Oxy, nothing. Have a nice day.” He put the card in his pocket, pulled out a twenty to hand to the bartender, downed the shot, and left after setting the shot glass on the bar.

As he made his way outside, Brent fought the sobs that threatened to wrack his body. He was so tempted, so close, wanted so badly to feel the rush of cocaine through his body, be numbed by the Oxycontin. He hated that he had ever sunk so far in the first place, and he knew he didn’t want to end up back there. Drugs had nearly killed him, and while emotionally, that might seem like a valid option, he knew logically that, no matter how much tension there was right now, he couldn’t do that to Zach, Eric, and Barry. He loved his bandmates far too much to leave them with that fallout. To lose them himself.

He tried finding his way back to the bus, his phone buzzing in his pocket. The other guys had gotten back to the bus already, it seemed, and wanted to have dinner together. He read the text from Eric, asking where he was, and he knew that, despite their mutual desire to be alone for some time today, he wanted to be back with them even more than he wanted or needed to be alone. He shot a text back off to Eric, swallowing as hot tears ran down his face.

“In a bad part of town. Don’t know my way back. What’s the address for dinner? Gonna get Uber.” 

It was two minutes later that his phone buzzed again with the address of the restaurant they would be going to. He quickly pulled up the Uber app, looking at the percentage of his battery. 45 percent. He could make it last so long. He shot a text off to Eric to bring a pocket charger into the restaurant for him, then put in his location and the location he was going to, watching the little car on the screen move. It was three minutes away, not long at all, but Brent knew that when you were alone with the temptation of drugs at hand and a very real ability to get them, and you were still fighting to keep your sobriety, three minutes could be an eternity.

As the car pulled up, Brent quickly got in and fielded the questions from the driver, who did recognize him, but yet again, only superficially. What was a celebrity like him doing in this part of town? Was he okay? Did someone hurt him? He only responded that he had wandered and gotten lost, that he was fine and unharmed, lying through his teeth to get the questions to stop.

The Uber driver, a young woman, chattered on, talking about the town, about the restaurant they were heading to, about how she knew some people going to see their show, and how she had just gotten tickets the night before and how she hoped they would play Second Chance, and how cute Zach was and could she maybe get an autograph? And Brent huffed and said he would see what he could do, trying to come off politely as opposed to annoyed. He was quiet the whole ten minute ride to the restaurant, and asked for her name, telling her he would get her into the meet and greet the next day so that she could meet Zach and get an autograph. She excitedly told him her name and he made a note in his phone, now down to twenty percent because of the GPS use for Uber. He faked a smile and thanked her, then got out and walked into the restaurant, looking around.

The host of the restaurant approached him and asked him how big his party was, and he swallowed. “No, actually, I’m looking for my band, they’re already here…” And just as he finished the word, Jake approached him and smiled at the host. “He’s with us. Come on, Brent, we’re over here.” Jake’s hand found Brent’s back and Brent relaxed at the familiar, protective touch from the man who always kept him safe. As they approached the table, everyone looked up, no one having ordered yet, having waited for Brent. He tried to fake a smile, but no one was having it, and he looked at Eric. “Can I sit by you?” Eric was the one who he was least at odds with right now, and Eric also gave good hugs. And right now, Brent could use a strong pair of arms around him. Plus, Eric was the one who had contacted him, and Brent had hoped that Eric had only taken his text for himself and not told the others, because Brent felt like Eric would understand a bit more. After seeing the look on Brent’s face, Eric nodded, sliding over to let Brent next to him, Jake sitting on the other side of Brent. It was a large, rounded booth, and typically, Eric liked the outside, but it was as though he could tell that Brent needed the ability to step away if he had to. 

As Brent sat beside Eric, he leaned against the older man, sighing tiredly, worn out from his emotions. He felt Eric’s arms wrap around him, and Brent sunk down into Eric’s grip. His head fell to rest on Eric’s chest, just listening to Eric’s heartbeat while he tried to let his emotions even out a bit from what they were. Eric whispered in Brent’s ear, telling Brent that he was glad Brent was safe, and Brent breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that Eric was whispering, knowing that Eric had not shared the content of the text message.

After a few minutes, a waitress came around, asking about drinks, and orders for drinks were given: a water for Jake, a scotch on the rocks for Eric, a beer for Barry, an iced tea with sugar and lemon for Zach (who wasn’t much of a fan of booze after how much he used to drink when he was young), and a Shirley Temple for Brent. Brent got a few curious looks from the other guys, but he just said he didn’t want anything alcoholic. He was already starting to regret the shot of fireball he had done, just because drinking when he was feeling like this wasn’t a good idea. As the waitress nodded and left to get their drinks, Brent leaned against Eric once more, looking at the menu, figuring he would just get a nice burger and stay safe. He wasn’t up to trying new things; rather, he wanted to feel something familiar and safe.

The waitress came back with their drinks and took their orders, everyone rattling theirs off except for Brent, who barely had the energy. He pointed to what he wanted as Eric ordered for him, all of them handing the menus off to the waitress before strong arms wrapped back around Brent, holding him close. Brent sighed softly once more, burying his face in Eric’s chest exhaustedly. Having to fight his past demons this far off without them had been draining, and he was just grateful to be back with his friends again.

It was Jake who piped up and asked them all how they had enjoyed what they had done. Zach spoke excitedly about the game; apparently, the game was a nail biter, but the team he had been rooting for had won and Zach got to shoot a few hoops with them afterwards. Barry kind of shrugged, mentioning that he had only found common beers on tap today, and so he hadn’t really drunk anything, but that it was fine, because he got to find a few new places with a nice vibe for the next time they were in town. Eric grinned goofily as he spoke of the exhibit he had seen and how he was glad the reviews had led him there. It had been exciting to see new evidence that he hadn’t before, and he started speaking about this one new photograph that was so telling, had so many signs that truly did point to life outside of Earth. The excitement on Eric’s face and in his voice made Brent smile, especially as Eric’s voice rumbled through his chest and soothed Brent as Eric’s arms tightened around him. And when it came to Brent to talk about what he did, he just shrugged and said there was nothing really eventful, and left it at that, asking to hear more from Zach and Eric so their excitement would overtake the awkwardness and anxiety he was feeling about his own experience.

Eventually, the waitress approached with their food and Eric let go of Brent, Brent sighing softly as he pulled away to sit up. It wasn’t uncommon for the band members to hold each other when one was upset; they were close enough that it wasn’t awkward, and they were secure enough in their masculinity that they weren’t afraid to be seen in each other’s arms or to be seen holding one another. They all had a lot of love for each other. Still, Brent wanted to be held longer, felt safe when he was held, but they needed to eat.

As they began to dig in, Brent finally realized how hungry he actually was, wolfing his burger down and getting chastised by Jake and Barry, Jake telling him that he didn’t want to have to save him from choking and Barry telling Brent to slow down and enjoy it. Brent barely heeded heir words; focusing on his food provided a distraction from his emotions and from the desire to be held, and he was enjoying the burger, still tasting it, even if he wasn’t savoring every bite. Finally, he forced himself to set the last quarter of the burger down and sip at his drink, starting in on his fries and side salad instead. He tried to focus on every bite, tried to think of anything but what he had gone through earlier, finishing his food first and bouncing his leg anxiously before he asked Jake to let him out so he could use the bathroom. Jake stood and Brent slid out from the booth, making his way to find the bathroom. It wasn’t that he really needed to use it, but rather, he just needed to be alone. He stepped into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, splashing some water on his face before finding himself staring into the mirror, eyes red with tears that threatened to fall. 

He must have been there for a while, because Brent had been splashing his face again as he heard the door open, looking up into the mirror and seeing Jake standing beside him. As Jake asked if he was okay, Brent nodded softly, as though that would actually fool Jake. However, while he could see in Jake’s face that his words weren’t being believed, Jake didn’t press the matter, simply approached Brent and set a hand on his shoulder. 

“Okay,” he heard Jake say, watching the large man’s face speaking in the mirror, not making true eye contact, but both of them making eye contact within the mirror. “Just remember, it’s my job to keep you safe, not just from fans, but from yourself, too. So if you’re not okay, please… Come get me, Brent. It’s better for you to stay safe if you aren’t.” He felt Jake squeeze his shoulder, then he was let go. “Barry, Eric, and Zach are almost done. Come join us if you can.”

With that, Brent saw in the mirror as Jake left and he splashed a little more water on his face before huffing and following, returning to the table just as the others got done eating. He sat beside Eric once more, hesitant to lean against his friend if only not to overwhelm him. However, Eric smiled softly and arms wrapped back around Brent and Brent sighed contentedly in the embrace, nuzzling his face into Eric’s shoulder. Eric hugged him tighter a moment before the waitress brought the bill. Typically, when they would all eat together, they would split the bill, but Brent had a lot of cash on him and didn’t want to have it on him for his temptation if he saw it around again, so he pulled the bill as well as a nice big tip out of his pocket and set it on the table with a false smile. “I’m treating today.” His expression hardened a bit so as to tell the others not to fight with him, and after a bit of a half-hearted protest from Barry, it was accepted for Brent to pay the bill.

After making sure the waitress got the bill and tip money, all five men stood, walking outside to where the rental car was. The restaurant wasn’t too far from the hotel they were staying at, and not all of them would fit, now that Brent was there, and so Brent volunteered to walk back. He knew his way there, at least, but no one wanted him to walk alone. Finally, after some discussion, Eric decided to walk back with Brent. Brent protested lightly before accepting this, and soon, he and Eric were walking back alone.

The first five minutes of the walk were silent. Soon enough, though, Eric was speaking, asking what was wrong. Brent swallowed as he tried to ignore Eric, refusing to speak. Eric seemed to let off it, until two minutes later, Brent was being asked again what was wrong, this time far less gently. Brent huffed and looked at Eric.

“Nothing is wrong, Eric. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. I am fine, thank you, and I could have walked myself. I just wanted to be hugged earlier. I am perfectly fucking fine.” Brent’s words were short and fast and his upset demeanor dripped into his words despite his desire for them not to.

“Don’t lie to me, Brent. I know when you’re fine and you absolutely are not fine. You’re never that clingy unless you’re upset, and a hug is far from using me as a pillow. Which is fine, I don’t care if you do, you’re my friend, but I at least deserve to know what the fuck is wrong so I can comfort you and calm you down! You were in a bad part of town? Why? What were you doing?”

Eric's words were angry, hurtful. Brent could tell that Eric was upset with him lying, with him not giving Eric the full and juicy truth word for word. And so Brent started to get angry as well. He found himself screaming back at Eric, incredibly upset.

"I went to a bar, alright! I wanted to fucking get drunk, but that was ruined after one fucking shot of fireball because some asshole named Leo came up to me and tried to sell me drugs and I'm fucking trying to stay clean! I don't want to fucking relapse and ruin everything, not really, no matter how fucking tempting it is to do so and break everything I've been working for for years on end!" Brent pulled away from standing beside Eric, turning to stare at him and beginning to cry.

"Fine. You're right. I'm not fine. I've been trying to be fine, but I'm not. I had to do a really hard damn thing today and your anger at me isn't making it any fucking easier or any fucking better! Why couldn't you see that I wanted to walk alone and be able to fucking think! Just let me go!" And with that, Brent took off running toward the hotel, sprinting to get back alone so that he wouldn't have to speak anymore.

When Brent arrived at the hotel, he found himself held up at the desk to get his key, groaning as Eric approached behind him. He didn’t want to deal with more questions, more fighting, more pain. But no words were exchanged as Eric’s strong arms wrapped around Brent from behind. Brent swallowed and turned to look at Eric as Eric spoke to the person doing the rooms at the hotel. 

“Make that room a room for two,” Eric said softly, and Brent couldn’t find the energy to protest as Eric gently whispered into his ear that he didn’t feel like Brent was safe alone tonight. Finally, Brent nodded tiredly, willing to do anything if he could just get to a bed and relax right now, or at least attempt to relax. The hotel worker handed them two key cards and told them their room number, and gently Eric wrapped an arm around Brent’s shoulder and they walked to their room in silence.

Brent pulled away from Eric to open the door to their room and groaned as he saw what it looked like inside. There was only a single king-sized bed as opposed to two beds, and Brent hung his head dejectedly as he walked over to the bed and collapsed upon it, Eric moving to sit beside him and running his hand through Brent’s hair. Finally, Brent’s tears flowed freely and he began to sob until Eric’s hand finally soothed him enough to get him to stop.

“It’s okay, Brent… It’s going to be a long night, I know… But I’m here.” 

With that, Brent felt Eric move to lay beside him, wrapping strong arms back around Brent. “Sleep, Brent… I won’t let go.” And Brent’s eyes blinked tears away before closing as he fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Brent awoke some time in the night, his eyes opening groggily as he yawned and looked at the clock beside him. He had to blink a few times to get the sleep out of his eyes enough to see clearly, and when he did, the clock blinked that it was 4:03 AM. He scoffed at the time, the irony of his music coming out in his life in the most random ways. 

He pulled away from Eric, the arms around him no longer comforting, and stood, moving towards the bathroom. He moved as quietly as possible, not wanting to wake the sleeping bassist, who had been far too caring for him already. He didn’t need Eric’s concern right now as he found himself staring into the mirror once more like he had at the restaurant, feeling tears flood his eyes as he broke down sobbing.

He was so upset with how he had handled himself today; he had tried so hard not to give into his temptation and had ultimately been successful, but he had been so self-destructive that he had ended up near it in the first place. He pulled the condom and knife he had on him out of his pocket and set them on the counter, sobbing harder as he grasped the knife and turned it in hand, unsure of what he wanted to do.

Long sleeves of a sweatshirt were rolled up and the knife was opened, glinting in the bright light of the bathroom, as Brent fought himself on what to do next. He swallowed softly, knowing that some people used this to cope, even if it was bad for him, but he had never one so himself. He’d used the term “switchblade on the edge of your wrist” in a song for all the times he’d thought about it, but what if it were to go off that edge and slice into the cool, thin flesh of his wrist for the first time? He wanted so badly to find a means to cope and this was a different temptation, but he needed something without waking Eric.

And so Brent pressed the knife to his wrist gliding it gently across the skin, a single bead of blood forming as he found relief in the stinging pain of the knife, like the sting of a bee that, instead of making you swell up with an allergy, made you feel a rush of bliss instead after that one sting. He figured the rush was similar to that of someone who shot up (he had never shot up, thankfully, but he had known people who had and watched their eyes roll back in bliss after the needle penetrated their skin). And so he pulled the knife from his wrist, placing it on a clean spot, pushing down harder, sliding it across the skin more roughly, and feeling it sting deeper, feeling more blood. He felt so much relief amongst the pain before he felt arms wrap tightly around his shoulders, jolting him so hard he dropped the knife, pulling Brent to the ground and out of reach.

“Brent, what the fuck?” Eric said from far behind him, and Brent realized the arms around him were not Eric’s. He looked as far over his shoulder as he could, seeing Jake’s beard upon his shoulder. He tried to put two and two together, figuring that Eric had awoken and asked Jake for backup, because, while Eric was strong, he was smaller than Brent (albeit taller), and Jake was far more able to restrain him. He heard Jake whisper in his ear, words echoing from earlier. “It’s my job to protect you from yourself, too, Brent…” And Brent broke down sobbing, watching Eric grab the pocketknife and setting it in his bag for now before pulling out a first aid kit that apparently, Eric had had Jake grab from the bus. Eric pulled out bandages and disinfectant for the wounds on Brent’s wrist, this last one far deeper and bleeding far harder. It luckily didn’t seem like it would need stitches, but there was quite a bit of blood and it had to be cleaned up and bandaged before it got worse. Jake held Brent tightly, holding him so he couldn’t move, and Brent screeched as Eric disinfected the wounds, so much more painful than the act of drawing blood itself. Soon, they were bandaged, and Jake was holding Brent tight until Eric put the kit aside and retrieved the knife, slipping it into the pocket of Jake’s cargo shorts before he buttoned the pocket so Brent couldn’t get in. Finally, Jake released Brent and Brent pulled away from them both, sobbing loudly.

“I… I didn’t need the two of you! I was fine!” He spit out, hysterical. “I was fine! I didn’t need you! So what if I wanted to see what it felt like?! I was fine!” He continued to screech at them, pounding his fists on Jake’s chest as he was pulled close once more. “Get off me! Get the fuck off me, Jake! I’m fucking fine, let me go!”

Jake continued to hold Brent tight even as Brent beat on his chest, and Brent could feel that Jake was unwilling to let go. It was very likely that Brent would try to self harm again, and even with Brent’s assurances that he was fine, neither Jake nor Eric seemed to be buying into his words.

“Brent, if you had wanted to feel what it was like, you would have stopped at one cut, not made another, and not taken so much time to make them precise and deep,” Eric said softly. “There’s no fucking way you’re fine… And you… You can’t DO that, Brent, you just can’t…” Brent watched Eric begin to tear up, a single tear slipping down the bassist’s cheek.

“I am fine! I am perfectly fine! What is wrong with me wanting to see what it felt like? I’ve heard of other people trying it, just once, just to see… Why the fuck is that so wrong for me?!” Brent continued to screech, and soon there was an angry neighbor pounding at the door telling them to keep it down because it was only 5 in the morning. “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!” Brent screamed at the door. “BACK THE FUCK OFF, ALL OF YOU!”

Jake just held Brent closer, tighter, trying to calm him down. “Brent… That wasn’t just once… If it was, you wouldn’t have two cuts on your wrist right now… And why do you think they do that to themselves?” Jake’s deep voice rumbled through his chest against Brent’s ear as Jake gently used a hand to hold Brent’s head against his chest. 

“Because they want to feel some physical pain?! Because they like the rush?! Because the physical pain numbs the-“ and Brent cut himself off, falling back into sobs as he realized the words that were coming out of him, realizing that he was describing the effects of coke and oxy coming through from cutting himself and bleeding and he was almost relapsing even without the drugs in hand. He was falling to his addictions and his addictive personality once more and the sobs grew from hurt to in shock to disgusted with himself as he realized what he was saying.

“I… I…” He swallowed and pulled away gently from Jake to reach into his pocket to hand the business card to Jake, who read it off aloud. As he finished, Brent scrambled to explain to the two men who had protected him all day. “This… This is why I… Why I was like that at dinner. This… This guy, who… Who couldn’t even g-get m-my name right… He… He handed me this and I… I was so close to saying yes after a shot of Fireball… I wanted so… So badly to feel anything but my emotions… And… And after feeling the way I just did with u-using the knife… Oh my god, I wanted to get high…” 

Soon, Jake was pulling Brent close again after taking the business card and stowing it away, resolving out loud to have Brent burn it once they left the hotel. Brent felt Jake holding him tight, Eric coming behind Brent and wrapping arms around him too, both of the larger men protecting him from himself and the world as Brent continued to sob before they gently led him back to the bed, the clock now blinking 5:40 AM. Time had seemed to move much slower, in all honestly, seemed like it had only been about a half an hour, but the hour and thirty six minutes had passed by and the sun was getting ready to rise outside as birds began to chirp. Both Jake and Eric sat beside Brent, arms around him, holding him tight as he finally got all the sobbing out of his system. He was so badly hurt, so upset, and he didn’t know how he had gotten this far. And he just wanted it to pass, but soon, Jake was speaking, and his words made Brent gulp.

“I’ve already told you it’s my job to protect you, from others and from yourself, Brent, and we’re all worried about you… But after what just happened, I need to make sure you’re going to be okay. Now, this time, we’re just going to keep an eye on you, but… If any of us catches you cutting again, I’m going to have to call 911. You need to be safe, Brent, and even if you need help to keep you safe, then we’re going to keep you safe. We all love you. You are such a leader, Brent, for this band, and for all your fans… Everyone looks up to you and everyone loves you like the patriarch of this huge family even if you don’t realize it sometimes. I know you have trouble seeing yourself as that important, but you mean so much to so many people, Brent, us included.”

Brent’s insecurity about being a leader was taxing, but by far, the notion of 911 being called was more terrifying and honestly, draining. Brent had been hospitalized for overdoses before, but he figured that was far different from being hospitalized for self harm. Both would end you in a psychiatric hospital, but the treatment of patients, from what Brent had seen was fundamentally different. Patients who were there for drugs were more focused on detoxing, and those that he had met that were there for self harm or suicidal ideation were far less free to do what they wanted because suicide watch was so strict. If you were detoxing, you not only had no access to your drugs of choice, but you had no energy for doing anything to hurt yourself after a certain point, just being so drained. For self harm, it was different, because there were many ways one could find to injure themselves, and so things were far stricter, and you were allowed to do less, have less at your hands. The treatment of suicidal patients was far from ideal, and basically resulted in the loss of their dignity and humanity, leaving them reduced to being an animal behind observation glass in a zoo, disregarding who they were as human. At least, such was Brent’s past experience with meeting suicidal patients.

He forced himself to look up at Jake. “I don’t want you to call 911… Those places fucking suck… Please don’t.” Brent’s voice was barely above a whisper, and he could feel that it would crack if he tried to speak any louder. “I don’t know about me being a leader, but I can’t end up there, not for that…” He felt himself curling against Jake, insecure and scared and tired as Eric’s hand reached out and ran through Brent’s hair. 

“We have a few hours, Brent… If you want, you can go back to sleep, I’ll stay with you,” Eric said softly. “I think Barry and Zach are still asleep in their rooms, and I know Jake is just down the hall… Or if you want, we can go for a walk, get out, stretch your legs and get some fresh air…” Eric pulled Brent from Jake, then hugged Brent close and tight once more.

“I… I like the idea of a walk,” Brent said softly, looking at Eric. He glanced at the clock, the time 6:15 now flashing, time moving so much faster than it felt. Birds were chirping more loudly and the sun was coming over the horizon so the sky was much lighter now. And Eric nodded softly. 

“We can do that,” he murmured to Brent, hugging him tighter. “Go change and get your shoes on.” Both men were still dressed from the night prior, and changing before going for a walk was probably a good idea for the two. Brent nodded as he heard Eric speak to Jake, telling Jake that he would probably take Brent to breakfast, and not to wait for them to eat if Barry, Zach, and Jake wanted to eat. Brent watched Jake nod and leave the room before changing and returning to Eric, who was changing his own clothes.

Once Eric finished changing, he asked if Brent was ready to go, and Brent nodded, looking at Eric shyly. Brent’s own words were soft as he spoke to Eric as they moved towards the door. “Will you hold my hand?” It was child-like, innocent, and Brent really just wanted the feel of human contact and safety within the older man’s grip. Eric nodded softly and grasped Brent’s hand, squeezing it tight. Brent’s hand was typically warm, and Eric’s cold, but now, the reverse was true, Brent guessed, from the blood loss in that wrist. 

The two men made their way out of the hotel towards the street, Eric telling Brent that he had seen this gorgeous park near a small diner that he wanted to try, and that he would treat Brent for thanks for his generosity from the day prior.

“It wasn’t really generosity,” Brent murmured, blushing softly at Eric’s words. “I had a lot of cash that I was almost planning to use on drugs or paying someone to fuck me… And so I figured I should use it up on you guys instead.” He felt Eric’s hand squeeze his again.

“I think that’s even more generous, then, Brent… You used the money you could have used all for yourself on something you really desired on us, and I think that’s strong and generous and kind. Thank you.”

Brent stopped abruptly, and Eric looked at him softly, asking what was wrong as Brent felt himself being pulled into a hug. Brent looked down softly. “Nothing is wrong… I just… I love you all so much…”

“We love you too, Brent,” Eric said softly with a smile. And Brent shook his head, swallowing.

“No, Eric… I love you guys…” He swallowed and pulled Eric into a deep, needy kiss. Brent felt the resistance as Eric seemed to almost be in shock, unmoving, until finally, the bassists lips molded themselves against his own, the cool metal of Eric’s lip ring an amazing contrast with the heat of lips upon lips, sparks flying everywhere.

As the kiss broke, Eric covered his open mouth a moment in shock and Brent found himself steeling up for the worst, ready to be told it was terrible and that Eric hated it, and to get out of Eric’s life, that Eric didn’t like him like that, that Brent was disgusting not for being gay but for being into Eric.

Those words didn’t come, however; rather, Eric’s lips were soon pressed back against Brents and holding Brent close, kissing him deep and full and lovingly as Eric’s tongue slipped inside of Brent’s mouth and Brent felt tears begin to stream down his cheeks. Eric too seemed to feel them and pulled away, kissing Brent’s tears away as Brent began to sob once more.

Brent hadn’t even realized his own feelings before now and he began to sputter out words. “I… I g-guess that’s w-why I wanted to be fucked yesterday… I… I’ve had f-feelings for all th-three of you, w-which I know is wr-wrong… I just… I j-just… We’ve all been fighting b-but… I’m in l-love with all of you, I have, I’ve w-wanted to k-kiss you s-so long…” And Brent sobbed loudly as Eric pulled him close once more.

“Shh… Brent… It’s okay, I promise you, I’m not upset… On the contrary… I think it is’t wrong to have feelings for three different people. I think it’s perfectly fine. And as for kissing me, well… I wouldn’t mind you doing that again. I think it felt amazing, and I love you too, and I’m perfectly okay with you loving all three of us. I won’t judge you.”

At Eric’s words, Brent’s lips pressed needily against Eric’s once more, pulling Eric close, Brent’s hands running through Eric’s hair, down his neck, down to his waist, down to Eric’s ass, and Eric’s followed a similar trail, both of the gripping the other’s ass at the same time, moaning needily into the kiss as Brent’s tears stopped falling. Neither of them was ready for anything further than this, but they needed the contact of kissing and loving each other oh so badly.

They pulled apart once more, both of them breathless, as Eric spoke softly. “So how about breakfast? And then we can walk through the park.” It was a way to bring them back on track, give an excuse for them to sit and talk without being pressed against each other. And Brent nodded softly. 

“Sounds good to me.” He let himself grasp Eric’s hand once more as they headed toward the diner.


	3. Chapter 3

After Eric and Brent were seated at the diner, with a cup of coffee in front of each of them, Eric looked gently at Brent. “So… I think it’s time we really talk.” Brent looked up from the cup of coffee that was now in his hands as he heard the words drop from Eric’s mouth. Brent knew Eric was right, despite not wanting to admit that, but he had just kissed his bassist and admitted his feelings for all three members of his band that weren’t him. It was complicated, unusual, to have feelings for three people, then to admit that to one of them after kissing them. It was especially complicated when you worked altogether and practically lived together, and especially if you didn’t know if any of them would have feelings for you, too.

These thoughts spilled out of Brent’s mouth without him realizing it as he looked at Eric. He found himself blushing as he looked back at Eric, unsure of himself and his sentiments. He saw Eric nod, hearing words of reassurance, telling him to let it all out.

Brent continued to speak, revealing his thoughts on the past couple of days, the tensions between them all, and how it killed him to have any of them upset with him. He hated how often Barry would yell at him or the silent treatment he had been getting from Zach until both culminated into a war of words. It was painful, really, to be losing his happiness from all these men he loved so much, even if he didn’t really realize the way he did love them until now. He spoke of how badly he had wanted to get high yesterday, how much he wanted to feel something other than this upset. He spoke of the fact that he had had the knife, and a condom, and cash, and how he figured his options were getting drunk, getting high, getting fucked, or hurting himself, which had been crossing his mind quite often lately. He mentioned how odd it had felt to bleed even if it hadn’t felt bad, but it hadn’t really felt great either. 

The waitress this morning came by and asked what the two men would have and both of them ordered hearty meals, Brent ordering a three egg sausage and swiss omelet with hash browns, toast, and bacon on the side, and Eric ordering biscuits and gravy, three eggs over easy, sausage and bacon, and hash browns. Both men were starving and would likely order more, but figured that this was good enough to start, and that they could split each other’s food for a taste of each. As the waitress walked away, they returned to their conversation.

“I’m honestly so scared, Eric,” Brent said gently. “I don’t know what to say to Zach and Barry… I don’t know if they’ll ever stop being upset with me… I certainly don’t know if I can… handle myself around them, and around Jake… I don’t want to upset them with how abnormal I am, or the fact that I like them, or the fact that I like you and that we’ve kissed… I don’t want to upset them at all, they’re already upset with me enough as it is…” 

Eric cut him off. “They’ll be fine, Brent, but… You have to tell them, have to let them know. They love you, too, even if it’s not in the same way, and they won’t be upset, and I know for sure that they won’t abandon you.” 

Brent looked up at Eric after a sip of coffee. “And what about you? What if… What if I kiss one of them? Would that upset you?” His words were unsure, insecure, not wanting to lose the one man he knew did love him and want to kiss him. He watched Eric shake his head.

“No, Brent, it wouldn’t… I know how you feel now, and honestly… I kind of think I feel that way for them too. I don’t know if it’s because we’re all inseparable, or if it’s because they’re attractive, or if I’ve fallen in love. But I won’t be upset with you I you won’t be upset with me, either.”

“Of course not!” Brent blurted out. “How could I be upset with you for that? I mean, if I’m asking you not to be upset with me…” Brent sighed softly, sipping at his coffee again. “Should we tell them together?” He was so anxious, unsure, wanting so badly to get it over with, get whatever pain was coming for him over with. And he felt even more anxious as a curious stranger walked by, clearly recognizing him and seeing the bandage on his wrist.

“Fuck off,” he said to the stranger, who quickly scuttered away as Brent began to feel even more insecure, getting chastised by Eric for not being nicer to the obvious stranger. 

“He wasn’t going to hurt you, Brent,” Eric said softly and Brent bowed his head, murmuring that he didn’t want to deal with spectators to his life at this moment, not while he was so vulnerable and while he didn’t have his food. And as if on cue, the waitress brought them their food.

The smell made both men ravenous, quickly digging into their meals as they found themselves wolfing down the savory, hearty food in front of them, stealing bites from each other’s plates. It was delicious, far better than most diners encountered on the road, and the conversation was quickly abandoned as they ate.

Both men looked at each other as they finished, admitting they were still very hungry and ordering another omelet (but just that) each for them, Eric’s a Denver omelet and Brent sticking with the sausage and swiss. They returned to their conversation as they waited for their food.

“Anyway, Eric… I don’t want to deal with anyone else right now, I have enough problems at hand. But you’re right… I probably shouldn’t have been such a dick.” And he looked up at Eric ashamedly. “I just… I’m so worried, still.”

“Well, then… We’ll tell them together, Brent. They can’t get upset if we tell them together,” Eric said softly. “They have to be okay with it if we both like them, because they don’t want to lose us. In fact, I’m sure it’ll go better than you’re thinking, and probably, the fighting will stop for now. I’m guessing Jake will have already told them about this morning by the time we get back just so they can keep an eye out, yeah? So they probably will be less upset than they are scared, and I feel like they’ll want to put the conflict to rest.”

Brent groaned as Eric pointed out that Jake would tell them. He didn’t want that revealed, didn’t want them knowing that he had struggled so badly that morning. But he supposed Jake’s reasoning was right, especially if they did all care and didn’t want Brent to end up in the hospital. He had no choice but to resign himself and nod softly. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Eric smiled gently at Brent. “Good. Now, this park I saw, that we’re going to after we finish eating… I heard it has a path that leads to the river nearby, and I feel like some time by the water should be pretty relaxing. Does that sound good? We can spend about an hour by the water and then walk back to the hotel and meet up with the guys to get ready for the show tonight and tell them.” 

Brent swallowed nervously and looked at Eric. “I guess…” He wasn’t sure about the last part of that, but the water plan sounded good. And soon enough, the next plates of food were brought to them and both ate much slower, savoring every bite and trading bites every so often. They enjoyed the rest of their meal and finished their coffee before Eric paid the bill and left a nice tip, standing and grasping each other’s hands once more and leaving the diner.

Brent let Eric lead him towards the park, sighing softly as his mind began to wander and he really began to feel the pain in his wrist. He whimpered a bit and Eric looked at him and Brent murmured “Wrist, sorry…” He watched as Eric nodded and they switched the hands they were holding, walking slowly through the pathway in the park toward the river.

As they reached the water, Brent took a deep breath, feeling Eric’s steady hand begin to rub his back and his neck. He felt tears begin to fall, not for a specific reason, just that he needed a good cry. He felt himself curl into Eric, gripping him tight as he sobbed, feeling Eric’s own strong arms wrap around him as they oh so commonly did. He was so grateful he was with the bassist, so grateful his friend, his love, was here for him, here to protect him and love him back.

After a few moments, Brent pulled away, swallowing hard as Eric asked if he was okay. Brent responded with a nod. “I just needed to get that out,” he murmured softly. “Better than getting it out another way, you know?” He watched Eric nod before letting out a shaky sigh and turning back to stare out at the water as the morning began to warm up with the rising sun. He asked Eric what time it was, the answer now 9 in the morning, and Brent nodded, just wondering why time was still moving so damn fast. He moved to the edge of the water, picking up a smooth, flat stone and letting himself throw it, watching it skip across the water, once, twice, three times, four times, five times, and so on, sinking just before it crossed the river on its tenth skip. He let himself smile softly.

This pattern of picking up rocks and skipping them continued for a good twenty minutes, a soothing exercise to find the rocks and skip them over and over until, finally, Brent could find no more stones that were flat enough to skip. He sighed softly once more returning to Eric, who had been sitting on a boulder, going back and forth between watching Brent and texting whoever it was he was texting.

“Who you talking to?” Brent asked, his tone almost jealous, as though Eric wasn’t paying enough attention to him. He moved to sit beside Eric on the edge of the boulder, trying to nose over and look at Eric’s screen. Eric quickly shut his screen off. Brent frowned and began to pout.

“Chill, Brent, it was just Jake. He and I were talking about the show tonight, and we agree that you shouldn’t be getting into the crowd until your wrist heals. We don’t want any curious fans snapping pictures of it up close or trying to pull the bandage off. When you’re on stage, it’s easier for them to mistake it for something smaller, and if it gets out, you’ll get harassed, and we don’t want that happening to you.”

Brent huffed. “But I WANT to go into the crowd. I LIKE going in the crowd. I want to interact with the fans, show them that they matter to me, spend time around them. I want to high five them, give them contact. It makes them happy.” His frown turned poutier but Eric quickly snapped at him.

“No, Brent, we aren’t letting you go into the crowd until it’s healed. Period. Sorry. But you need to heal, and it’s far too easy for someone to hurt you or get too nosey or the like. If you really wanted to be in the crowd, you shouldn’t have cut yourself. I hate to say that, I really do, but we’re trying to keep you safe.”

“Fine,” Brent growled at Eric, standing and storming back towards the water. He was upset; one of his favorite parts of shows was being denied to him now, and he was going to be forced to wear a sweater even in this heat for their meet and greet today, he could just tell. And he would have to wear long sleeves on stage, which he hated, because he sweated so much, and in this heat, he was going to die. And now he was being denied the chance to spend more time with his fans, his family? He was upset.

He returned to searching for flat stones, looking for a distraction from what he was feeling, but was unable to find any, so he settled for just throwing other stones into the river, listening for the satisfying plunk into the water and watching the splashes, trying to make as big a splash with as small a stone as he could. Unlike skipping rocks, it didn’t take any finesse to just throw the stones into the water. All it took was strength, and he found himself executing his anger on the stones until one hit a boulder in the middle of the river with a loud crack, causing the few parents who were beginning to show up with their children to look angrily at him like he was setting a bad example.

Brent huffed again, sighing, asking Eric for the time once more despite how upset he was at the prospect of tonight and Eric told him it was about time to start walking back to the hotel. Brent nodded and waited for Eric to stand and they started to walk back, although Brent refused to take the hand that was offered to him.

It was about a twenty minute walk back to the hotel, where the crew and Zach, Jake, and Barry were packing stuff into the busses to get ready for the day, considering they would be back on the road that night. Eric told Brent he would go grab their stuff from the shared room and Brent nodded as Zach and Barry approached him, Zach tackling him in a hug.

“Brennnnnnnnnnnnntttttttt! We were so worried about youuuuu!” Zach’s energy was a welcome surprise, considering for quite some while, Zach had been giving Brent the silent treatment and only talking to him when absolutely necessary. Brent held Zach tight, close, until his wrist hurt too much for him to continue to do so, and he let go, Barry having to peel Zach off of Brent in order to envelope Brent in a warm hug of his own.

“I’m glad you’re safe,” Barry murmured warmly, protectively. “I’m sorry. Hopefully, things will be better for at least a while. No more petty fighting.” His strong arms held tight to Brent before letting him go, and Brent sighed with a tired smile as he was released. 

“Thanks, you two… I missed you. I love you guys.” Brent wasn’t going to specify what he meant by love right now, but rather left it up to interpretation, knowing that he would need Eric in order to tell them both what he truly meant.

“We love you too,” he heard Barry say, watching Zach nod enthusiastically. “Come on, we’ve got everything packed up, almost, and we want to spend some time with you. We can get on the bus.” Brent nodded softly, watching Zach bound onto the bus and feeling a warm, big drummer’s hand on his shoulder blade, leading him onto the bus from behind. They sat on the booth-like bench around the table, Zach immediately clinging all over Brent as Brent raised an eyebrow.

“Zach, man, I love you, but I need a little personal space.” He held up his wrist and as Zach began to pout, Barry patted Zach’s shoulder. “It’s okay, I’ll cuddle with you later,” Brent said softly, to which Zach stopped pouting and smiled in an almost cat-like manner.

They sat quietly for a few moments before Eric joined them, Jake riding with the rest of the crew in the other bus. Brent looked at Eric anxiously, wanting to get his revelation over with so that it wouldn’t be torturing him any longer. Eric nodded softly before looking at Barry and Zach. “Barry, Zach… Brent and I have something to tell you.” Eric nodded softly to Brent as Zach became antsy to know what this new secret was and Barry raised an eyebrow dubiously.

“I…” Brent swallowed softly. “You guys can’t take this the wrong way, please, but… Eric… Eric and I… Well… We love you. Both.”

Zach chirped his love for them almost immediately, but Barry’s look was still skeptical. “We know you love us, what do you mean?” He asked.

Brent took a deep breath. “I mean… I mean that Eric and I have feelings for each other. And for you. Romantic and-“ Brent felt his breath hitch in his chest, “and sexual feelings.” He heard Eric suck in a breath, waited for Zach and Barry to respond.

Brent was not expecting the response he got. His fears were practically nullified as Zach attacked him in a kiss, and Brent couldn’t help but smile into it. He heard Barry chuckle softly. “Well I’ll be damned… Is now a bad time to admit that I’ve been attracted to you three as well?” Brent broke his kiss with Zach with a chuckle to kiss Barry as tears of joy fell while Zach launched himself at Eric. 

Finally, Brent felt the tension leave his body that had been there so long just from fighting with these three and now, to know that he wasn’t alone in loving them all, it was so damn relieving. And now, now they were all together and on the same page and while there was a bit of awkwardness in the atmosphere for their four-way love for each other, it was no longer a secret, no longer hard for them to believe they could be loved.

The bus made its way to the venue, where they had to set up and do sound check before their meet and greet, and along the way, all four of them were curled against one another, kissing the others lovingly here and there while they tried their best to relax.


	4. Chapter 4

Later that night, after the show, the four men made it onto their bus, along with Jake this time, who would be riding with them because it was an overnight ride and Brent had not been the most stable that morning. It was frustrating for Brent, but they all curled up around the table, playing cards for a while as they watched an episode of Stranger Things on Netflix. Brent cringed as they watched the show, not a fan of the horror genre. He tried to pay more attention to the card game than the freaky visualizations onscreen, but eventually found himself enjoying the show after he got over how scary it could be.

After the episode ended, Barry began to fall asleep, as did Eric, and Zach started playing some new handheld video game after complaining that it would never be as good as his old NES. Jake had moved to the front to talk to the bus driver, trying to keep them both awake. Brent sighed softly and grabbed a piece of paper, first folding it down and tearing an excess edge off so what he had was square. He began to fold it into what he only knew to call a cootie catcher, the action something he had found calming for many years.

First, he folded the square on its diagonal, creasing it exactly, then opened it and folded it on the other diagonal with precision as best as he could. Next, he took one corner, folding the very tip to touch the center where the two diagonal creases met, creasing that corner, and continuing for the other three corners until his square was smaller, yet still as precise as he could get it to be. He then flipped it over, folding it on the diagonals with precision yet again, creasing and folding in the corners once more until he could open it into the design that opened and closed like a flower with a mouth. He smiled softly, moving it around before he pulled out a blue pen and began to write little numbers on the outer flaps, then words inside, then little fortunes under each side of the flaps. He snickered as he got Zach’s attention, playing the game with an elementary level of maturity as he read off Zach’s fortune: “You will take a very large dump in the morning.”

Brent heard Zach snicker before the guitarist went back to playing his video game and Brent sighed, looking around him once more. He found Barry and Eric asleep upon one another and didn’t want to wake them, so he got more paper, and made another cootie catcher, fold, size, fold, crease, fold, crease, repeat. He continued to do so over and over, with smaller and smaller squares of paper, until he had ten of the things, three of which were too small to fit anything larger than the tip of a Bic pen inside the “finger holes”.

Brent lined them up, then turned his line into a swirl, with the largest one on the outside and the smallest in the middle. He found himself sighing once more, bored out of his mind and not feeling great despite the fact that a lot of his stress had been alleviated by the love confessions to his bandmates. He needed more, needed more of a distraction that making cootie catchers provided, and he didn’t really want to do what he was about to, but he did so anyway.

“Zach. Zach. Zaaaaaaach. Zach Myers. Zach. Zaaaaaach. Come on.” He poked Zach with each word, first on the shoulder, then his lower forearm, then the shoulder again, then the back of Zach’s neck, then his temple, then his shoulder once more, then his side, then his cheek, finally culminating in Zach responding when Brent poked him and ended up sticking his finger in Zach’s ear.

“Brent, come on, what the fuck? I didn’t need that, I was playing a game, you made me lose, come on…” Zach’s accent got thicker when he was upset and he frowned at Brent. Brent put on his best puppy eyes and looked at Zach once more.

“Please, Zach… I’m bored and I feel like fucking shit… I need a distraction that isn’t going to be bad for me, one that won’t get me hurt or anything…” He pointed to his bandaged wrist. “Come cuddle with me, Zach… Please?” Brent continued to pout.

“Fine,” Zach huffed, setting the game aside and curling up under Brent’s arm, resting his head in the crook of Brent’s neck as his own arms wrapped around Brent’s torso. “But you can’t do this the next time I’m gaming…”

“I won’t unless Barry and Eric are asleep like they are now… I just… I didn’t want to be alone, Zach.”

“You aren’t, though, Brent? We’re all right here…”

“Maybe not physically, but I’ve been left alone with my mind, and right now, it isn’t pretty… Not after the past couple days.” Brent sighed and pulled Zach closer, kissing the top of the younger man’s head.

“Alright,” Zach said softly. “I guess I can’t argue with you on that one… I can’t read your mind and if it’s as bad as you say it is, I’ll let you hold me…” 

Brent kissed Zach’s head softly again. “It is… Thank you, Zach… I love you…” He held Zach closer nce more and silence set over them as both men began to relax. No games to play, nothing to fidget with, just holding each other. 

After a while, the silence broke. “Have I ever told you that you smell good even after a show, Brent?” Zach asked, and Brent couldn’t help but chuckle. He was wondering what went through the smaller, younger man’s mind as he said this. 

“Nah, you haven’t,” Brent murmured softly. “But you can whenever you want to. Stroke my ego.” Brent chuckled once more and moved to kiss Zach deeply and lovingly, feeling the guitarist moan upon his lips. Brent pulled back, chuckling again. “You like that, do you?”

Zach blushed as he looked at Brent, Brent assuming that Zach had realized what had just happen. The younger man nodded shyly.

“That’s okay, Zach… I like that too.” Brent smiled softly and looked at Barry and Eric, both still asleep, the bassist curled up in the drummer’s arms. Brent knew Eric was a light sleeper if it came to anything above a very quiet level near him, and so Brent nodded to the other end of the table. “C’mon, let’s go lie down in a bed so they don’t bother us.” He glanced toward the front of the bus to make sure that Jake was still occupied, which he was. Jake was doing some planning for the next venue and was likely to be distracted unless one of them came to get him, which was a good sign. Brent and Zach scurried to the nearest bunk, which happened to be Eric’s. Brent made a mental note to apologize to Eric later if anything were to happen.

Brent crawled into the bunk, pulling Zach with him and rolling them over so that he was on top of Zach, kissing the guitarist deep and strong. Zach was moaning louder now, and Brent was smirking as he moved from kissing Zach to kissing Zach’s neck, sucking on the skin there and leaving a hickey. Zach whimpered at the mark Brent left and Brent wondered if he had hurt the younger man. 

“Zach, are you okay? Please tell me I didn’t hurt you…” Brent looked at Zach worriedly, kissing him lovingly and watching Zach shake his head.

“Felt good, please keep going, Brent, please…” Brent nodded softly at Zach’s words, promising he would, moving to mark Zach again, and again, until Zach had four more hickeys on various parts of his neck.

Finally, Brent pulled off, hearing Zach whimper again, and Brent shushed him, moving to run his hands from Zach’s shoulders down his chest until he reached the hem of Zach’s baggy, oversized knit sweater. Bret smiled and ran his hands underneath both the sweater and the tee underneath, smirking at Zach. “Well, I doubt you’ll be needing these…” Brent ran his hands on Zach’s skin before pulling them out from under the shirt and sweater before he slowly pulled them both off of Zach. Lips returned to Zach’s skin, this time kissing all over the guitarist’s chest, trying his hardest to make Zach feel good. As his lips elicited a moan from Zach, Brent knew he had already made his goal of making Zach feel good, and he took a deep breath in as he pulled his lips off of Zach’s skin yet again, Zach whimpering pitifully with need.

“Zach… Before we go any farther… Have you ever had sex with a man before? And… More importantly… Do you want to?” Brent’s stormy gray eyes searched out Zach’s own azure ones, searching for consent before any physical action was taken. He would never do something like this to anyone without consent, let alone the young man that he had so much love for in his heart.

“I… I haven’t before,” he heard Zach say as almost an admission. “But… If it’s with you, I… I think I’d really love to.” Brent looked at him softly once more. 

“Alright, Zach, if you’re sure. But I have to ask you… Would you rather top or bottom? Do you know what those mean? I want to make your first time with a man the best I can…” Brent kissed him gently and moved to lay beside him.

He waited in the silence, figuring Zach was debating his options. Finally, Zach spoke, his voice quiet and contemplative. “I know what they mean, but… Doesn’t it hurt? I don’t want it to hurt…” 

Brent kissed Zach gently once more, running a gentle hand through blond hair. “It hurts a little. I know how to make it hurt less, but your first time on the bottom pretty much always hurts a little.” 

Zach was silent a moment more. “I think… I think I would be okay with bottoming, as long as you’re gentle and you make it hurt as little as you can… I trust you not to hurt me on purpose, Brent…”

Brent smiled softly and nodded. “Okay. I promise I will do my best to make it as comfortable and give you as little pain as I can.” He kissed Zach’s forehead. “Am I allowed to blow you?” Zach’s eyes widened and he nodded, and Brent grinned. “Good. We’ll get there, but I want to enjoy your body We can't wake first.” He watched Zach nod once more before going back to kissing down Zach’s chest again, running his tongue here and there along the guitarist’s body.

More moans came from Zach and Brent smiled, his lips trailing down to the button of Zach’s jeans, looking to the younger man for permission to remove the garment. Zach nodded and Brent slowly, gently unbuttoned Zach’s jeans, pulling them lower slowly. He smiled as he saw how hard Zach was under his boxers, knowing fully well he was going to make Zach feel good. After he stripped Zach’s pants and socks from him, Brent slowly kissed up Zach’s legs, first his feet, then his ankles, up his shins, then his knees, and finally up his thighs to Zach’s groin, smiling gently as he sucked on the skin there before pulling off Zach’s boxers, watching his erection spring free.

He looked up at Zach once more, whose eyes were closed as he grinned, and Brent nodded, slowly kissing the head of Zach’s cock before taking Zach into his mouth, hearing the guitarist cry out in surprise. He pulled off and shook his head. “We can’t wake Barry or Eric or disturb Jake… They’ll get upset…” He waited until Zach nodded in acknowledgment before taking Zach into his mouth once more, going slowly until he had all of Zach in his mouth. Brent choked a moment, as it had been a short while since he had blown anyone, but quickly regained his composure and started to bob his head on Zach’s cock, hearing Zach try his best to stifle whimpers and moans.

As he felt Zach was close to release, he pulled off, hearing Zach whine disappointedly. “Shh… You can’t cum yet, Zach… There’s more to do and I know it’s hard for you to get it back up, I’ve heard you run to the bathroom and get off then come back and try but take forever to get hard again…” Zach whimpered pitifully again and Brent shook his head. “Shh… Watch.”

Brent slowly started to strip, trying to put on a show for the smaller man, grinning softly as he slowly pulled his beanie off, then lifted his hoodie over his head slowly. He moved to kiss Zach for a moment before pulling his own tee off, fighting the self consciousness of his bandaged wrists and being shirtless. He fought his insecurity, pulling off his basketball shorts and leaving himself in his own briefs, just as hard as Zach. He moved to kiss Zach deeply again before he finally pulled his briefs off, moaning as his own erection was freed. He kissed Zach deeply once more, grinding against the younger man, causing them both to moan upon each other’s lips.

“Is this okay?” Brent asked Zach softly. He watched Zach nod, the younger man speechless. “Good.” Brent kissed Zach’s forehead. “I’m going to get you ready… I wanted to ask you, though, if you want me to use a condom. I’ve had sex before, but never without protection, and I’ve been tested before and I don’t have anything. I’ve heard it’s nice to not have that barrier, but I want to make sure you feel safe too.” Gray eyes searched blue ones once again before Zach told Brent he was okay without the condom. Brent nodded softly. “Okay. I have to get you ready, and it may feel kind of weird…”

Soon, Brent’s mouth was returning to kiss Zach’s groin before his tongue was against Zach’s ass, prodding gently as Zach squealed, surprised. Brent pulled away again. “Shh… It’s okay, Zach… I just don’t have any lube, so we have to stick with spit and water…” Brent said after glancing around and finding a half-drunk bottle of water. “It’ll make things easier and hurt a little less…” He opened the bottle and poured some of the room-temperature water onto his hand, gently moving to push a single finger into Zach’s opening, hearing Zach gasp.

“Shh… Shh… It’s okay… Tell me how it feels…. Are you okay?” 

“Hurts a little,” Zach whimpered softly. Brent nodded and moved his finger a little slower, asking if it was better and watching Zach nod before warning him he was going to add another finger.

The second finger caused a little more of a whimper, but Zach seemed to get used to it far more quickly, so Brent added a third and final finger after pouring a little more water into his hand. He worked his fingers into Zach, hearing Zach’s whimpers change to ones that seemed far more pleasured than pained. At this, Brent knew Zach was ready.

He pulled his fingers out and heard Zach whimper something about emptiness. “You’ll be full soon, Zach, I promise… I love you…” Brent smiled gently before he poured more water into his hand, rubbing it on his own cock, then a little more, just to make sure it was sufficiently wet, asking Zach one more time if he was sure with this. As Zach nodded, Brent nodded as well, lining himself up before pressing his lips against Zach’s own not only out of love but to silence any cries as he pushed himself inside of Zach.

Zach did indeed cry out upon Brent’s lips as Brent slowly pushed himself all the way inside before stilling himself and breaking the kiss, gently kissing Zach’s forehead. “Shh… You’re okay, it’s okay… The hardest part is over, Zach, and I’ll stay still as long as you need… You did it, baby, you did it… I love you…” He kissed Zach again lovingly, being sure to keep still.

Finally, in a tiny voice, Zach told Brent he could try and move, so Brent began to do so, slowly and gently and lovingly, making love to Zach as best as he could. Gasps and whimpers and moans and cries were elicited from both men with every thrust, every time hips met. Both men were in ecstasy as Brent hit just the right spot and Zach couldn’t help but squeal. Brent quickly moved to kiss Zach to try to keep the sound down so no one would come running and he and Zach could have sex in peace. Sweat poured off of both of their bodies, soaking Eric’s sheets because neither could have made it to one of their own beds. 

Finally, after several more moments of pure ecstasy, both men climaxed at the same time, Brent filling Zach with his seed as Zach’s spilled all over himself and Brent. Breath heavy, Brent pulled out of Zach with a deep, loving kiss, nuzzling Zach gently. “I love you,” Brent murmured, and Zach smiled hazily, returning Brent’s words as they kissed once more. Brent moved to lie beside Zach, his arm draping protectively over the younger man.

“So, how was it?” Brent asked softly, smiling at Zach lovingly. Zach began to spill out all his feelings, telling Brent that it was amazing, that it felt so good and that he didn’t even know there was a spot inside him that could make him feel that way. It was the best sex Zach had ever had, none of his experiences with women being able to compare, and that he would love to do that with Brent more often. Brent chuckled softly. “Of course we can,” he murmured, nuzzling Zach again softly. Both men grinned and snuggled close, Zach falling asleep almost immediately, exhausted. Brent ran his hand through Zach’s hair with a grin, watching him softly before falling asleep himself.


	5. Chapter 5

The laundromat smelled of soap and stale air as Brent moved towards the change machine with his crinkled 5 dollar bill. He hoped this was enough cash to wash a full bed’s worth of bedding, knowing it could take several loads to get everything done. Barry stood in the corner, looking at the vending machine. Brent sighed heavily, glancing at the time on his phone. It was four in the morning, and they had been woken up when Eric had awakened and wanted to crawl into bed. The rhythmic turning of the washers and dryers gave Brent a perfect sound to drown out reality as he tried to think of the confrontation he had just had, hoping desperately for forgiveness for what he had done. The exchange replayed in Brent’s head over and over, with Eric yelling at both him and Zach and Brent trying to stand up for Zach.

“What the FUCK, you two? You had sex in MY bed, didn’t think to ask me if you could use it or, I don’t know, invite me? And then you expected me to be able to sleep there, or at least not find the two of you? What the actual fuck? You couldn’t even make it to your own bed, Zach? It’s just as low as mine and only another six feet away-“

“Shut UP, Eric! This is my fault, not Zach’s! I initiated the sex, I pulled him to your bed, and it’s my fault! Lay off him, it was his first time with a dude and I’M the one who chose to get him going in the first place!” 

Barry had had to pull Eric and Brent apart before a physical confrontation came to be, and Zach had just been drowsy and out of it and looked almost terrified at the two arguing men. Brent had felt horrible for Zach, knowing that it wasn’t Zach’s fault. So he had volunteered to go to the nearest laundromat and wash Eric’s bedding with his own money to get Eric to lay off, but that He didn’t want to deal with Eric. Barry had taken it upon himself to say he would go with Brent and make sure everything was okay, and that Eric could sleep in Barry’s bed and Zach could go back to sleep in his own bed. So here they were, in the laundromat.

“Brent,” Brent heard Barry’s voice behind him, “you have to actually get the change to be able to do the laundry, come on.” Brent glanced up at the clock on the wall that he hadn’t noticed earlier, to see that it was 4:03. The time would forever haunt him, he supposed, and it was a bit odd that he had been standing there by himself. An older woman that appeared to be homeless was in the corner, sleeping, but the laundromat was otherwise empty except for Brent and Barry.

Brent moved to put the five dollar bill in the machine, groaning as it was spit back out for not being flat enough. He tried again, and again, and it still didn’t work, each time, spitting it back out. A large, calloused hand reached from behind him, putting a much crisper fiver in the machine and grabbing the one in Brent’s hands as change fell from the machine with a clink. Brent pulled out all twenty quarters and thanked Barry softly, moving to start the laundry he was supposed to do, knowing full well they were going to be here for a couple hours. I was a miracle they had even found this place at this time, considering they had just managed to make it to the next big city on their tour, and the twenty four hour laundry had been a godsend in order to stop the growing conflict between Eric and Brent.

Brent started the machine, trying his hardest to focus on the task at hand, but the scene still replayed in his head, and it wasn’t until a larger, stronger man was behind him, helping him once more, that Brent realized he was crying. He hadn’t meant to upset Eric; he had honestly just wanted to feel good and make himself and Zach feel loved. And he had. He had felt so loved, and he had loved Zach as bet as he could in that capacity, and he had made Zach’s first time good. And yet he hadn’t figured Eric would be upset, and that just tainted how good it had felt.

Finally, the laundry was started, and Barry moved to pull Brent to sit in one of the chairs near the side of the room, away from where the woman was sleeping. Barry sat first, pulling Brent into his lap, and as Brent felt lips against his neck, he dissolved into sobs, more tears falling, trying his hardest to be quiet and not wake the woman. He felt absolutely horrible for upsetting Eric and even worse that his first time with Zach had been ruined by so much upset. 

He tried to choke his feelings out to Barry as Barry’s rough palms ran over his shoulders and then down his chest before protectively wrapping around Brent and holding him to Barry’s chest. “I… I never wanted to upset Eric… It wasn’t like it was planned for me and Zach to have sex… I… I just wanted to feel good and we were just going to cuddle but… But it got heavier, and… And we got close to each other and I just… I initiated it and it hurt even worse for Eric to yell at Zach when it was my fault, but I just… I just wanted to feel loved and it just turned to sex… But it’s all my fault…” 

“Shh… Brent…” Brent heard Barry whisper against his ear. “It’s okay… I think Eric was a little jealous, but it’s okay that you and Zach had sex… Everything will be fine… If it turns out to be, then it will be, and Eric and Zach will both be fine… They both love you, and they love each other… We all love you and we all know that you love us. Everything will work.” And Brent continued to cry as he felt Barry’s lips press against his ear. Barry just continued to hold him close and kiss his neck and ear and cheeks and jaw.

Finally, after about fifteen minutes, Brent managed to calm down, his breaths heavy as he tried to regulate them, hiccupping here and there. After another ten minutes, breath was caught and hiccups were stopped, and Brent turned in Barry’s arms to face him, his legs straddling Barry’s to be a little more comfortable, before leaning against Barry, resting his head on the drummer’s chest and wrapping his own arms around the drummer as Barry’s own arms tightened around him. Brent let himself sigh and relax a bit, still exhausted after only having had about an hour nap after sex and a long day. He felt like he needed to be held and loved after the past couple of days. 

As the timer on the first load of laundry went off, he sighed and pulled away, looking at Barry and going to switch it over to the dryer and start the next load in the washer, wanting to get back to the bus as soon as they could. He needed a nap before soundcheck and show tonight to be able to get through it. He could get real rest tomorrow, considering they had another day off, but the exhaustion of the past 48 hours warranted at least a nap.

As Brent started the washer for the next load, he felt a stinging in his arm, hissing at how badly it hurt, and he tried to stomach it as he made his way back to Barry. He fell back into Barry’s arms, whimpering pitifully as he tried to get himself to ignore the pain in his arm. Barry pushed Brent off him a little and moved to look at Brent’s arm, where the bandages upon it were dirty and now starting to darken with blood.

“Brent, you’re bleeding, come on… I need to get this cleaned up, this isn’t good. What did you do?”

“I was just loading the laundry, it shouldn’t have-“ Brent was cut off as Barry undid the dirty bandages that hadn’t been changed to see that Brent’s wounds had reopened. 

“Alright, no more laundry for you, I’ll finish it… I can’t let you get hurt,” Barry murmured protectively, leading Brent out of the laundromat to the bus that was outside, where Eric, Zach, and Jake were sleeping. Barry had to get the driver to open the door, then lead Brent up and to the table they had been sitting around earlier. He moved to find the first aid kit, telling Brent this to keep him calm, yet he was unable to do so, so he woke Jake from his slumber to see if Jake knew where it was.

Jake crawled out of bed and nodded, going to grab it and Brent looked at Barry. “You should go back so Eric’s bedding isn’t stolen,” he whimpered, and he watched as Barry shook his head, hearing the drummer murmur that sheets could be replaced, but that Brent couldn’t. Barry’s calloused hands wrapped around Brent’s wrist, applying pressure until Jake returned with the first aid kit, first pulling out the alcohol swabs to clean it.

Brent bit his tongue so he wouldn’t screech, not wanting to wake Zach and Eric, but a loud wince still escaped him. It stung so badly for a moment, then the sting turned to a dull burn that seemed to affect the entirety of his arm. It was painful and Brent was incredibly dissatisfied, hoping that this pain would have ended the first time that they had cleaned and bandaged his arm. Finally, the first aid was done, and Barry looked worriedly at Jake. 

“Should we get him stitches?”

“No, it’s been too long, they won’t stitch it. We just have to keep it bandaged and keep him from exerting force on it.”

“I’m still here,” Brent piped in. “I can hear you. Don’t talk about me like I’m not here. It was a stupid accident, I still need to finish Eric’s laundry like I promised-“

“Not happening, Brent.” Brent huffed as Barry cut him off. 

“I’m a grown man, Barry, I’ll be fine-“

“You’re bleeding, that’s far from fine. I’m not letting you finish that laundry. You’re going to stay here, I’ll finish the laundry.” Brent huffed, knowing Barry wouldn’t budge. 

“Fine.” And so Brent turned away, moving to go pull out his laptop, but Barry and Jake both shook their heads.

“Go to bed, Brent,” both men said, and Brent growled. 

“I don’t fucking want to. I’m a grown man and I can watch Netflix if I want to. So fucking let me watch a damn show and take my mind off things. Force me not to finish the laundry, fine. But I’m not going to bed and you can’t force me to.” And Brent pulled out his headphones as well, starting up Netflix on the laptop and using the earbuds to block out the noise of their protests until finally, they gave up and Barry returned to the laundromat and Jake returned to bed.

After finding nothing that appealed to him on Netflix, Brent pulled up HBO Go instead, sighing softly and deciding to start True Detective from the very beginning once again. It was a show that he enjoyed a lot, and since he knew the plotline, he could watch it mindlessly while focusing on his thoughts instead.

He made it through an episode before his eyes started to burn from exhaustion and the tears that had fallen earlier. He didn’t want to deal with his thoughts anymore, not after he kept reliving the fight with Eric and was forbidden to even do laundry. He felt humiliated, honestly, and he wanted so badly just to stop feeling anything. His wrist still burned from the rubbing alcohol that had been used to clean it and the fact that it had reopened in the first place. He felt absolutely miserable.

He found himself shutting the laptop and debating climbing into bed, but instead, he curled up on the bench he was on, on his side, tears falling softly down his cheeks from stinging gray eyes as he found himself closing them and falling asleep.

Two hours later, he awoke to a certain drummer running a strong hand through his light brown hair. Brent sniffled and sat up, moving to curl up against Barry, the sun coming in through the bus windows. “Come on, Brent,” he heard the drummer say. “Let’s get you into bed. Eric’s back in his, so you can come sleep with me in mine, we just need to get you into a bed.”

“M too tired to move,” Brent protested, whimpering softly. “Dun wanna… Just let me sleep right here…” And Brent moved to close his eyes once more, but they flew open as he was lifted by the drummer. “H-h-holy shit, Barry, I just wanted to stay on the bench-“

He was cut off by Barry setting him down in Barry’s bunk, kissing him softly and climbing in beside him. “I told you, you needed to lay down… And I was selfish enough to bring you to my bunk because I wanted to hold you.” 

Brent sniffled again as strong arms wrapped around him, cuddling close to the drummer that had been there for him for so many years. “I love you, Barry,” he murmured softly, nuzzling his face into Barry’s chest. Barry was warm and unmoving, a steadfast comfort in an ever changing world that seemed to only want to kick Brent down time and time again. It was frustrating as all hell to be forced to go through changes that only seemed to want to hurt him, so having Barry was, for Brent, a genuine comfort through these rough times.

Brent sighed softly as Barry’s hand ran through his hair again. “Why are you so warm?” He asked, his voice muffled by the fact that his face was pressed against the drummer’s chest. 

“I just run warm. And I love you too, Brent.” Brent looked up to see Barry smiling at him before he buried his face once more, breathing in the drummer’s scent of deodorant that hadn’t yet been washed away mixed with sweat from the night before and laundry detergent from washing Eric’s bedding. Brent sighed contentedly at the comforting scent.

“You smell good, Barry,” he murmured. “And… Thank you. For everything. Being here for me, helping me fix things for Eric, holding me, loving me-“

“Shhh…” Brent was cut off once more. “I only do those because I love you, Brent, and you deserve those. You’re a good man, and I’ll always love you, and I’ll always want the best for you.”e

Brent felt tears begin to slip down his cheeks once more as a calloused hand brushed them away, hearing a murmur telling him it was okay to cry, that he didn’t have to hold it in. And Brent shook his head. “They’re tears of joy…. I’m just so glad to have you, to have someone who loves me so much…” Brent’s words were barely above a whisper as he looked up at Barry once more. “I needed that so badly, needed to know I was loved so badly... You’ve always been here, you’ve never given up on me, not when I was high, not when I wanted to die, not when I was too focused on the fame and not focused enough on life. Barry, you’ve always been here, and I wouldn’t be here without you. I would never have survived without you.”

“I know, Brent,” came the drummer’s voice above him as he felt Barry kiss the top of his head so very gently. “I couldn’t lose you. I never wanted to let you go. And I’m always going to want you here and be here to keep you on this Earth with us, even if we’re fighting. I promise.” 

Brent nuzzled closer to Barry, exhausted, and felt himself yawning. He heard Barry chuckle softly as he was hugged tighter.

“Go to sleep, Brent… I’ll be here when you wake.” 

And Brent closed his eyes and fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Brent awoke four hours later, not refreshed very much, but with Barry’s arms still around him. He yawned softly, the drummer fast asleep beside him, as noise bustled around them. He sighed softly and cuddled close before he heard Zach bounce by, energetically as he always was after really sleeping. Zach was typically the insomniac of the group, staying up far later than Brent, Eric, and Barry and yet somehow waking earlier. However, it seemed that Zach had slept well, and a lot, and so his energy was abound.

“Barry! Brent! Get up! Come on! It’s time to soundcheck! Get up! Get up! Get up!

Brent groaned as he pulled away softly from the sleeping drummer, nudging him gently. “Come on, Barry, before Zach screams our ears off…” Brent glanced at Zach, who was bouncing away, and managed to see his lipes were all blue. “Someone gave him sugar and he’s going to be back very soon and probably even louder…”

He heard the drummer grumble and pull him closer and Brent couldn’t help but smile softly at the way the drummer was so protective even when he was asleep. “Come on, Barry, it’s okay… We just have to get up.” Brent pressed his lips against Barry’s lovingly, watching as the drummer’s eyes opened sleepily.

The kiss broke and Brent watched Barry halfheartedly protest before both men were sitting up and crawling out of the drummer’s bunk, yawning and stretching and hoping that they had the energy to face a day with a meet and greet and a show. Brent moved to get dressed while Barry moved to the bathroom.

Once Brent ws done dressing in basketball shorts and a tee shirt, he felt a large hand upon his shoulder, pulling him to the table. “Come on, Brent, let’s change that bandage,” came Eric’s voice, no longer angry, just gentle and caring. 

Brent sighed softly and followed suit, letting Eric pull off bandages that had collected blood in the night and were now dried, before the wounds were cleaned once again (though they didn’t sting this time) and new bandages were reapplied. Once they were done, both men’s eyes met, stormy gray eye searching for forgiveness in those of the bassist.

“I’m sorry,” Brent managed softly, watching Eric’s stoic face, looking for any sort of clue that he was forgiven, that things were okay, that he was still loved. He heard Eric sigh softly.

“It’s okay, Brent… Just, next time… Use your own bed if you’re not with me. Please.” And Eric was pulling Brent close, hugging him tightly, and Brent couldn’t help the tears that began to flow now that he was forgiven and feeling loved.

“I won’t let it happen again, Eric, I promise,” he murmured softly before he let himself bury his face in Eric’s muscular shoulder. “I love you… I love you so much, Eric…” 

“I love you too, Brent,” was the bassist’s only reply. And Brent snuggled close to Eric for a moment longer before both men pulled apart. Brent sighed softly before holding out his hand. Eric grasped it and led him off the bus, outside, where Barry was nursing a cup of coffee and Zach was zooming around, dribbling a basketball and laughing. Brent turned his head to face Eric.

“You let him have Jolly Ranchers, didn’t you?” He asked in a tone that was far from accusatory. He was chuckling, and soon heard the bassist chuckle as well.

“Maybe.”

“Well, maybe next time YOU should wake us up. Zach bounces too much when he’s had sugar.”

“I knew he wouldn’t let you two fall back asleep,” Eric replied with a snicker. “Besides, he’s happy, and he would have been hyper anyway. He’ll have the sugar crash in a little while, and then we’ll be good. Better to wear out that hyper energy because you know his anxiety gets worse when he’s high on energy and him being anxious when meeting fans is always alarming to them. Plus, that’s when he doesn’t shut his mouth.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Brent said softly. “But still, we need him up and running for the show tonight, too.” He looked at Zach, who was now tossing the ball against the bus and watching it bounce back. He shook his head softly. “Want to go pass it back and forth with him till things are set up?” He asked Eric softly, watching the older man shrug.

Both Brent and Eric approached Zach, and Brent called to Zach to pass him the ball. Zach jumped and squealed with a grin before passing the ball hard to Brent. Brent caught it as it hit his chest with a grunt. “Not so hard, Zach, come on…” Brent passed it softly to Eric, who passed it back to Zach. This continued in a circle for about twenty minutes, Zach passing softer each time, until finally, they were called to soundcheck, Barry already inside, his leaving for the stage having gone completely unnoticed by the other three men.

Soundcheck went well, with an unexpected jam session on the song Junkies For Fame, one of the tracks they rarely ever played, but was fun for them to stretch their abilities on. After soundcheck was done, they had a very short time before they had to be ready to meet the fans, an outside meet and greet this time. Today was a hot day in the city they were playing in, and already the sun was out and blazing. Brent was sweating already without working out, and his tee was already soaked in his own sweat. He had to change into something new, huffing as Eric joined him.

“I know it’s hot out, Brent… But you should put on a hoodie. Your wrist is nowhere near healed, and if fans do notice, it’s going to freak them out and you can still get hurt.”

Brent sighed softly. “I don’t want to, Eric…” He whined, almost like a five year old child being told to clean his room. “I don’t want to wear a sweatshirt. It’s too hot.”

“Do you want them to know you cut yourself, Brent? Before your wrist has even healed? What if someone spreads that to the world on the internet? We don’t want you hurt, and we don’t want you harassed.”

“I’m fine, Eric! I’m not wearing a damn sweatshirt. And I’m not staying out of the crowd tonight, either. So what if they know? So what if they fuck with me? It’s not like I haven’t been harassed for my problems before!” Brent turned, staring defiantly at Eric. “I’ll be fucking fine! And how many of our fans have done the exact same to themselves? I don’t care if they know. I don’t care if I get hurt again, I just had to keep myself from bleeding on your bedding and that was what I cared about, not the pain! It’s going to happen! I cut myself! I’ve accepted that I did! Now why don’t you accept it and let me fucking move on?!”

With that, Brent turned away and pulled on a clean shirt before heading back outside to s where they were waiting to walk out to meet the fans that had come to see them, just wanting to make them happy and forget about his own problems for the moment. He set his jaw squarely to make sure that Jake and the others said nothing about his refusal to cover his bandaged wrist. He didn’t want to be bothered by anyone, but he was also tired of hiding something that he had done. He wasn’t that kind of guy, and he was open about his addictions and how he had nearly died, so this was no different. Not any longer. He knew if he was going to recover, he had to be open and up front about it.

Finally, Jake led them out to where the fans were after asking them if they were ready. Brent tried his hardest to make this like any other normal meet and greet despite the daggers that he felt being stared into him from Eric’s general vicinity. 

The fans were quiet as they saw him, but once they saw that Brent was just going to talk to them like a normal meet and gret, get to know them, they were put at ease, and soon the awkward glances at his wrist slipped away. The fans were happy to meet their favorite band, and Brent was as friendly and gentle towards them as ever, his goal always to make them happy.

Finally, at the very end of the line, Brent and Zach were speaking to a young man, one who looked troubled himself. The young man pulled his own sleeves up. “Sorry, it’s hot in here,” Brent heard him say softly, and Brent smiled at him gently, glancing at the young man’s own wrist, nodding as he understood. 

“Hi there, young man. What’s your name?” Brent asked gently, smiling at him. 

“I’m Jaxin. I love your music. It’s kept me alive for so long.” Brent smiled at Jaxin, nodding softly. “I was bullied by the kids at school for a long time for being gay,” Jaxin said, delving a little further into his story. “I tried to kill myself when I was thirteen. When I found the album Amaryllis, it gave me so much hope. I haven’t tried to kill myself since. I struggle with other stuff, but… I’m here because of you guys. I’m nineteen now.”

Brent smiled more softly. “Can I hug you?” He asked, waiting for a nod from Jaxin. He pulled the young man close, hugging him tight. “I may not seem like it, a famous rock star, but I get it, believe me. And you know something, Jaxin? I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you decided to give the world another chance.” Brent smiled much brighter as he let go of the boy, tears in his eyes. “I hope you continue to give this world a chance, and that you don’t try and take yourself away from us before it’s time.” He moved to grasp the young man’s hands, holding them tight, his own hands cool against the warmer, younger flesh. “We’ll stick it out together.” He signed everything the boy wanted him to and stepped back.

Brent let himself smile once more, a single tear falling, before pulling away completely, as he was pulled at the shoulder by Jake to the backdrop, where they were to take pictures with the fans. One by one, they took pictures, Brent hiding his hurt wrist in them all, until finally, last came little Jaxin. For his pictures, Brent let his wrist be seen bright and clear, a reminder for the young man that there was strength for them all together when they shared their difficulties and were open but were still fighting. They would fight together. And as Jaxin left, Brent told him this, that they were in this fight together, and that he hoped to see the young man some time from now, still here on Earth with him.

After the meet and greet, Brent, Zach, Eric, and Barry all had about two hours to be changed and ready to hit the stage and get through their pre-show rituals. Brent didn’t really want to deal with being called out right now, and honestly, wanted to map out his plan for getting down off the stage. If that required jumping down without help and risking a fan touching his wrist, so be it. Brent didn’t care, not one bit. He wanted to be in the crowd, wanted to be back with the people that so ran his life and gave him purpose, gave him an audience to listen to who he was, gave him people to relate to.

He found himself wondering where in the crowd Jaxin would end up, whether he would see the young man again tonight, or ever again despite wanting to, wanting to see someone else stay strong, too. Brent was really touched by the young man’s story, and his reasons for wanting to see him again were two-fold. For one, he wanted to see that the young man was as strong as Brent knew he could be, wanted to see someone else stay strong to add to his own people to look up two. The other reason was purely selfish; Brent wanted to know that he really could inspire that strength in someone, wanted to know that he could make someone stick around, because maybe then he could have a reason to stick around himself as well.

These thoughts continued in his mind as he changed, into a short sleeved shirt, pink tie, and vest, his typical outfit this tour. Yesterday, he had been forced into a long sleeved shirt, but today, he refused. Today, he was going to claim it to the world. He had his plan laid out, had the idea to call himself out to the crowd before they played Unity. He needed to get that out, to the world, to everyone in that audience, had to get it out for his own well-being and safety and mental health.

He finished changing and then walked out to find the other 4 guys and Jake. He had to talk to them, had to tell them to play a little longer to give the space for him to talk, had to tell them to let him be in the crowd, because he knew that would be FAR more healing than anything else they wanted him to. He needed thqat contact with all these people he had touched that had touched him as well, had given him so much more hope because he needed to know that he wasn’t alone.

“Eric, Barry, Zach, Jake… Here’s the plan tonight, and I don’t care if you don’t want me to, you don’t get to say no. So listen up.” He swallowed, anxious, but needing so badly to set this up for himself, for his own healing.

“I’ve been struggling. But all this overprotectiveness… It’s got to stop. I’m a grown man, I’m thirty eight going on thirty nine, and I need to handle myself. I know you all want the best for me, but you can’t know what that is. Only I do. And I need to do this tonight. So tonight, before Unity, I need two minutes. Two minutes to talk to the crowd. You can improvise in the background, that’s fine. But I’m telling them, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. Even if you try to go straight into the song, I’m talking to the crowd, and it’l just look tacky if you do play over me to try to get me to start the song. So, if you don’t want to be harassed and ridiculed, I’d suggest you listen.”

He turned to look pointedly at Jake. “I am getting in that crowd tonight whether you like it or not. So you can do what you want to do, protect me or not, but I’m getting into that crowd and you aren’t stopping me. I would hope you keep me safe, but I need to be with my fans. I need to be with them. They’re our family, and I need them to heal myself. I’ve felt so fucking alone lately and being in the crowd, being with our fans… It helps. So don’t try to stop me.”

Brent took a deep breath and stepped back. “I know this is scary. It’s scary for me too. But honestly? I need to do this for me, and I need to heal, like you all want me to. And this will help me heal. Please, I know what’s best for me. I know I made a mistake by cutting myself, but I need to fix that now, and I need to heal, and this is the way for me to do that.” He stood, silent for a moment before Barry stepped over to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Are you sure, Brent?” The drummer’s voice was concerned, as were his eyes, and Brent nodded.

“Absolutely.”

“Then… I don’t see why you shouldn’t be able to try this.” Barry pulled Brent into a hug and Brent hugged him back tight, breathing a sigh of relief that one band member was on his side. He pulled away and turned to look at Zach, Eric, and Jake. Zach nodded next and made his way over to Brent, hugging him goofily and telling Brent he loved him. Finally, Eric huffed and gave in, and Jake nodded solemnly.

“Alright, Brent. But if tonight goes wrong…”

“It won’t. I promise. In fact, this is the only way for it to go right for me.” Brent squared his jaw again, holding steadfast to his words. Eric, Barry, Zach, and Jake all nodded and agreed quietly, then went back to their individual pre-show rituals, getting ready for this crowd, a sold out crowd.

Finally, the show rolled around, and the four band members made their way onstage behind their curtain, letting their intro music play out before they started in on their set. All four of them put every ounce of themselves into their performance, and then Unity came around on the setlist, and Brent heard improvised music behind him. He looked out at this crowd and began to speak.

“I know this is a little odd… I know that we haven’t talked before this song in a long time,” he began. “But this song is about not being alone when you’re trying to go through life. It’s about our connections as people. As human beings who interact with each other each and every day. It’s all about us, as friends, as family, as acquaintances, as enemies… It’s about interaction. It’s about not being alone.”

He paused and swallowed before continuing. “I’ve been feeling alone a lot lately. Lately, I’ve been dealing with a lot. A lot of you may know I used to struggle with drug addiction. I was addicted to cocaine and Oxycontin for a number of years, and it nearly killed me. But I’m standing here today before you, alive. Well, earlier this week, someone came to me with the temptation of those two drugs, and I had to make the choice to avoid them. It was very hard for me, but I didn’t take a single thing. However, I can’ say I did not give into temptation completely. The other night, I cut myself for the first time.” 

He heard the gasps in the audience and had to take a deep breath before continuing. “I know many of our fans have struggled with this kind of thing for years, and for me, I have not cut myself since, thanks to my wonderful bandmates and crew and people who love me and look out for me. But I’ve been told to hide this part of me a lot lately, and I have decided that I can’t. I have no right to hide this from you, my fans, my family, my bosses. I have no right to hide this from you when I have hidden myself for so long and you all have been so vital to my strength and survival throughout all these years. I have seen you all struggle with so much, and yet you’ve stuck around. And I just wanted to say this, because you have been my human connections. I just wanted to say that I like this world more with you all in it, and I just wanted to say thank you to you all for sticking around and being here for me when I needed you most. Thank you.”

Finally, he nodded to Eric, who began the obligatory opening notes on the piano, and the four men launched into the song that meant so much to them and the audience. The song was the best they had ever performed it, and it and the rest of the set went well.

During, Enemies, Brent made his way into the crowd, taking the time to use his uninjured arm to high five as many fans as he could, not a single person making any kind of deal about his wrist. And finally, he found Jaxin in the crowd, and pulled him in for a hug before returning to the stage to finish out their set.

After the show, he found a way to get a setlist to Jaxin, taking a sharpie and writing on the back for the young man to meet them outside after the show. It was rare for Brent to leave a venue until the very last fan was gone, but he wanted to meet this young man one more time.

After the rest of the fans had cleared and Jaxin was the only one left socializing with Eric, Barry, and Zach, Brent left the venue and pulled the young man close, more paper and a better pen at his side. He hugged Jaxin close for a long while before taking the pen and scribbling down his contact information for the young man, telling him to keep in touch so that he could get him tickets the next time he was in town. He hugged Jaxin once more, thanking him for showing Brent that he wasn’t alone in this, and then said his goodbyes as he and the crew made their way to the busses to head to the next town, a few hours over, where they would get their hotel rooms and relax before their day off.

The bus was silent for a while, all of them doing their own things. Finally, Brent spoke up.

“Thank you guys. For not fighting me. I needed to do that. And now… Now I can move on.”

The bus was silent a moment more before Eric looked at Brent and spoke. “You did well, Brent. I’m sorry that I tried to make you hide it. I just wanted you to be safe and to heal before anything like that, but… You were right. Only you know what’s best for you.”

Brent looked back at Eric and smiled softly. “Well… I forgive you. And I love you.” And he moved to sit beside the bassist and kiss him gently, lovingly. “Now… How about you and I share a room tonight? So I can make up for your bed…. And also because I don’t want to be alone.”

Brent waited for a response, heart pounding, his admission so tender and his hope that Eric would agree causing it to go into overdrive.

“Sure, Brent.”

And Brent grinned, kissing Eric again, as silence set over the bus once more as they rode to the hotel, Brent leaning against Eric with a content sigh.


End file.
